It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
