I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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