My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
