bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize