You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
