I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
