Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
