I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
