Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
