I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
