I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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