sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
