i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
