Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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