if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
