I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
