I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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