Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I wish i was in the wii world.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
