but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
