Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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