First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
