I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
