Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
