I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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