So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
