my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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