I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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