im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
