Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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