Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I touched a dick in church today
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
