I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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