...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
FUCK WHALES
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
