You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize