its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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