We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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