Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
