It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
