Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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