capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
