remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
