Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
