Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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