Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
