he thought i was a dude.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
