i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
