I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
