I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I puked a lego.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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