Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
