I'd wear matching sweaters with you
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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