someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
