I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
