theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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