she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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