Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
