I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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