You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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