my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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