I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
