Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
