I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
