Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
