don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
