omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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