DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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