Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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