My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
