i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize