Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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