The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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