After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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