my phone needs a breathalizer
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
