The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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