Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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