Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
