I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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